Believing in myself

On 9th of may i went to a college interview and i was nervous. i woke up about 6 am and spend few hours relaxing and mainly reminding myself that i believe i can do it and i got a up dressed . i went out to car still nervous but i focus on reminding that i could do it.

the car run was about 15 mins then i arrived at college and once parked i had few mins to spare so we sat in the car. i was with my mum and her bf  and once time go in they came with me but only to go in the cafe to get a drink while waiting. i sat in reception with 2 other people waiting for same as me . after few mins i started to relax and just waited for my turn to be interviewed. the interview wasn’t too long about 20 to 30 mins i think , i knew the interviewer from my past time at college and she ask questions she needed then gave me a work sheet to do help them decided.



i will  find out in if i got in or not 7 to 14 days. Fingers crossed its good news




anixety and panic attacks part 2

This story when i started back college on 2013. I was week later for start new college year because the adverts of my mum in hospital
my first day at college i was really nerve and when sat down at computer and stay doing the work to chance up with everyone else . i am sitting at desk still nerve and my heart beating fast and legs feel a little weak and i start to have tear in my eye cause i was scared didnt know what going on since i never felt like this before. The college lecturer seen i was upset took me outside classroom door and ask what wrong. I told her i wasn’t well cause i didnt know how to explaon what was wrong so i went home early.
My step dad and mum and little brother came and got me and i ask to get me appointment to go see doctor. In the doctor i explain everything to the doctor all thing that happen and that when he told me i have anixety and panic attack and gave me perscription to get temp meds and side effect i got where bad one of side effect i could get sleep and it was 5 or 6 am i was up and i went in to real worst panic attack i every happen in my life . i was nerve about going back doctors and i remember laying in my bed upset saying to myself i want to go sleep and everytime closed my eyes my heart beated fast then around 5/6 i went in full panic and after i calm down i feel sleep for about 5 or ten mins then woke up and got a fright i felt like i was dying when i woke up so i heard my mum was up so i went down her bed and i fell asleep cause i felt safe and didnt wake up 4 or 5 pm in afternoon and i was sick and only time i was that day so i had something to eat and just relax and done nothing . 
returning college my mum came with me to lecturer and i was in shock what she siad . she thought that what happen and i cut some of my classes to half a day 3 days i was in and other excited happened after but few week i just went in half days.
but then i missed a few classes and day i went in i was chance up on 2 assessment and what took class weeks i passed in one afternoon and i was please with myslef and bit confidence came back but that didnt last end week was when i get money from college help with supply and getting college bur never went in and called college they cancelled it cause not in full day and i was upset and feeling let down after passing my assessment felt ready to go back full days and this happen broke my confidence and felt let down by college but never by lectuers was not they fault so i had to drop out something i never wanted to do .
until this day 3 and half year since i still feel let down by they choice and never felt confidence to go back . how much i would love it . its scares me to be let down again.
thanks for reading 



Anxiety and panic attack story

Part one mum is hospital
Today i thought i would share my aniexty and panic attacks story well here i go on first experience was a day in 2013.
My mum was taken in operation so i was lefted with my few month old brother on my own , i had never been left with a baby before and i remember one day i was walk to bus stop with my baby brother i was really nervous and a little tired so i went on the bus parked my brother up and sat down and i remember standing up i felt my legs were like jelly so i sat back down and so i just focus on my little brother and make sure he was fine and after a while i started to relaxed when came to getting off bus i was fine again and in the hospital  my little brother needed this nappy change cause it went up his back , me and his godmother had take him to baby changing room only to find out i forgot his wipe and we had too use tissues and add a little water to clean and and that we had change his clothes and went back up to room to see my mum then we went home and i was fine rest of the day until later that night my dad message me to say my aunt cancer had gotten worse and i was upset she had been in my life since i was a baby and she soon will be going to better place .
While my mum was in hospitial deep down felt i was doing on my own and noone to help me . his own father was more interested in playing woth his car than to help look after his son anytime i ask his to help he said no to busy with car and after 2 days i was really tired cause i didn’t get must sleep so after my mum told him to take him so i could sleep and after we left hospital once again just mins of getting home he was going to leave his son with me after my mum told him to take him so i told him if he didnt take his son i would go my father’s then he will have too.

he took him but when he leave he was in a bad moody and bang the door closed and i cry myself to sleep cause i felt bad that i was tired and person that was to look after him care and protect didnt want him .
next day around 8 or half 8 in morning he showed up with my brother drop him off and basicaly ran out the door and i was once again left with my brother myself but i gave my brother and cuddle him gave him a bottle and back down . i remember telling him ” i am sorry that he has a father like that ” not like he understand . the last night of my mum in hospital still had force his to take his son and glad my mum would be home .
next day my mum was home and i did most of work since she still needed to rest but she did much she what she could will recovering

this was Part one aniexty story . Part 2 will be based going back to college next tuesday